What I Believe
by fulofhyperness
Summary: Merlin believes in destiny, even when he doesn't agree with it. But the question has become, does he believe in Arthur more? merlinxarthur don't like don't read.
1. 1 - Hairline Fracture

**Alright, the triumphant return of fulofhyperness! (hopefully it sticks this time)**

**I have a brand new laptop, and a brand new story, so let's see where this goes!**

**Chapter titles will reflect a song that a listened to in order to get my inspiration!..This chapter's song: Hairline Fracture by Rise Against**

**Well, let's do this thing!  
**

**Enjoy~!**

Prologue

"Arthur!" a voice shouted across the courtyard. A voice so riddled with pain it stopped the king in his tracks.

Arthur shook his head and prepared to take another step, but the voice sounded again. Closer this time. "Arthur, please wait!"

The king closed his eyes tightly and waited for the other man to catch up. He wasn't willing to turn and let the man see his tears; those he would keep to himself. But he would wait. He would wait because Merlin asked. All Merlin ever had to do was ask.

A hand clasped tightly around Arthur's shoulder. Merlin's hand. A hand the king was always aware of. "Where do you think you are going Arthur?" Merlin's voice bit into him. Why was Merlin even asking, he knew the answer.

"I'm going to defend my kingdom Merlin. That is something that a king must do." Arthur paused, still not willing to look at the man he loved. "Even if I am destined to die." Arthur shrugged off Merlin's hand, instantly feeling its absence, before marching through the gates of Camelot.

Merlin sighed, tears welling in his eyes. He grit his teeth, words biting past his lips. "I will _not_ let you die."

* * *

Chapter 1: Hairline Fracture

"_Mer_lin" Arthur's voice bellowed across the courtyard. His smug expression was one that Merlin knew meant something gross for him to clean.

Merlin shot the Prince a sarcastic look before heading his way. "What do you want now Arthur? I thought I was done for the day!"

Arthur's smirk simply grew. "You are _my_ servant _Mer_lin. You are never done. If I need you, you come. End of story."

Merlin sighed deeply. "Whatever. What do you need?"

Arthur cocked an eyebrow expectantly.

Merlin looked utterly defeated before sighing once again. "What do you need…_sire_?"

"That's better." Arthur chortled. "I've just come back from training. I've got some particularly sweaty laundry that needs done."

"Can't that wait until tomorrow? It is laundry day after all!" Merlin flung his arms around as he spoke. He was offended. "I was just on my way to-"

"It doesn't matter Merlin." Arther suddenly looked angry. "Who could be more important than _me_?" Arthur shouted at his servant. "You're prince?" he added. _'Good recovery Arthur, don't need to sound too needy' _he told himself.

Merlin scoffed a hefty "Fine" at the prince before shoving past him to head up to Arthur's chambers for the laundry.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Grabbing at the laundry basket, Merlin glared at the offending clothing. "I can't believe that prat is making me do this now!" he grumbled under his breath. "I should be studying! This is so stupid!"

"Studying for what?" Arthur had grown fond of surprising the manservant.

Merlin blanched. "Wh-what?"

"You said you should be studying. Why do you need to study?" Arthur was actually interested in this. He always wondered what Merlin did in his free time.

"Um." Merlin stalled. He couldn't very well tell the prince that he was studying magic.

"If it is so important that you study, it can't be that hard to remember what you need to study!" Arthur laughed. "Unless you are really that stupid. Them maybe you're right, and studying is the best thing for you to be doing now."

"Gaius." Merlin half-shouted, the idea emerging in his mind. "I'm studying to help Gaius…in his work! I-I'm going to be his apprentice."

Arthur narrowed his eyes. "You don't sound all that convinced."

"To be honest, I'm just surprised Gaius would want someone like me to be his apprentice." Merlin said softly. His gaze dropping to the floor as he spoke.

Arthur laughed. "True, you are a bit clumsy. And not all that bright."

Merlin's grip on the laundry basket tightened. He knew the prince was joking, but it did little to lessen the sting of the words. "Prat." He muttered.

Arthur heard the malice in the single word and finally looked at Merlin. He was shocked to find the boy tense, with his head down. "You look legitimately upset right now."

"Yeah? Well, maybe if I wasn't so stupid I could stop." Merlin ground out through his teeth.

Arthur walked over and took the basket from Merlin. "I changed my mind. This can wait until tomorrow. Why don't you go home Merlin."

The younger man shoved past Arthur without a word and fled the chambers.

Zigzagging down different hallways, Merlin wasn't even sure where he was going until he had reached his destination. A tower. One of the tallest ones in the palace.

He leaned over the edge. "I wonder how much magic would be needed to stop me from falling?" he asked no one in particular. No one could hear him up here.

He sighed in his contemplating and sat on the floor, back against the balcony barrier. "Not that I'd try." He said with a bitter smile. "I'm needed to protect that prat. It's my _destiny._" He spat out the last word with a bit of animosity. "Why can't I decide my own destiny?"

Merlin loved this tower. It was high enough that no one thought it needed guarding, so it was a little place that he could be alone and do whatever he wanted. He could look over the balcony and see the ant-like people wandering the courtyard. He could talk out his problems with himself. He could read a good book. He could hide from Arthur when the man was a prat. He could even practice his magic.

He sighed as he pulled his pouch from his side and opened it up. After rummaging around in it for a few moments, he withdrew a small knife. He opened his jacket up and pulled the sleeve down, exposing his bare shoulder. Bringing the knife to the creamy flesh, he pressed in. The milk-white skin stained red. He remembered the first time he did this and laughed bitterly about how scared he was. But now he dug in, seeking deeper pain; a deeper physical pain to drown out the emotions.

Time seemed to slow down when he went into what Merlin liked to call a blood trance. Maybe it really did. His magic seemed to like to work on its own, so who knew? It mattered little to the man as he raked the knife once more against his shoulder.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

After a while; minutes, hours, he wasn't sure; blue eyes glowed gold and the blood was instantly cleared. The white-hot pain in his shoulder gone. He was getting damn good at those healing spells.

Merlin plunged the knife back into his pouch and righted it before he stood and calmly walked back down the stairs, heading for the chambers he shared with Gaius.

Gaius. Merlin sighed at the man crossed his mind. Gaius was like a father to him. "I wonder what he would think if he ever found out about…that." Merlin wondered to himself as he walked, being sure to keep his head down and attract no attention.

Opening the door, Merlin called out. "Gaius, I'm home."

The older man's head popped out from a book. "Oh good Merlin, I was starting to worry. Arthur make you stay late again?"

"Yeah, he's a real slave driver that prince." Merlin chuckled rubbing his shoulder. "All this would be so much easier if I could just magic my chores away."

Gaius's book fell out of his hands with a roaring thud. "Don't even joke about that kind of stuff Merlin! Can you even imagine how horrible it would be if the prince…no…the KING were to find out about your magic?" Gaius spat.

Merlin snorted. "Yeah, Gaius, I'm aware. Doesn't make it any less true."

Gaius raised an eyebrow. "I suppose." The hint of a grin forming on his face. "It is getting late now though. Have you eaten? I made a stew."

Merlin was already helping himself to a bowl. "I noticed, and no, I haven't eaten, thanks Gaius!" Merlin dug in quickly and devoured his meal.

Tossing his bowl and spoon into a bin with dirty dishes Merlin quickly made his way to his room. "Well, it's late and I know for a fact that Arthur has some nasty laundry for me to wash tomorrow, so I'm going to head to bed. Good night Gaius!" Merlin quickly shut the door as he called out his words quickly.

"Good night Merlin." Came the muffled and somewhat shocked reply.

Merlin sighed as he sat on the bed. Caressing his shoulder he lightly shivered at the memory.

He quickly got ready for bed and laid down. Mumbling sleepily, he asked himself one more question. One that weighed heavily on his mind every day. "Destiny. What does it know anyway?"

**Well, there you have it folks!**

**What did ya think? Should I continue? If you guys like it, I will try to keep on top of it this time! I swear I'm back!**

**...**

**Anyway, thanks Hyper readers, can't wait to hear from you!**


	2. 2 - Waste

**Well, almost two years have gone by and I am finally posting chapter two...I hope this doesn't keep happening. I really do enjoy writing, I just can't seem to stay motivated.**

**Well hyper readers, I hope you are still interested in reading this! The song for this chapter is _Waste _by Seether.  
**

**enjoy~!**

"Stupid prat! What did he just pour wine into the laundry?!" Merlin grumbled to himself quietly as he scrubbed some particularly stubborn stains from a shirt. He sighed heavily as he tossed the soap and shirt down. "This is hopeless." Merlin glanced around, being sure there was no one around. As he glanced down at the shirt, his eyes briefly glowed gold as the stain disappeared. A triumphant smile on his face, Merlin quickly finished rinsing and hanging the laundry.

"What the hell are you so smug about Merlin?"

Merlin turned, finding Arthur behind him. Merlin's smile faded for only a moment before returning almost a little too bright to be natural. "I finally got those stupid wine stains out of your favorite shirt! Seriously Arthur, what did you do to get it like that?!" He spoke with a slight chuckle.

Arthur was not happy to see the mirth missing from his manservant's eyes, but accepted the smile. "You know, I honestly don't remember. I believe it had something to do with drinking wine!" The prince smiled at his own joke, the words dripping with sarcasm.

Merlin's eyes darkened, but his smile stayed firmly in place. Arthur paused for a moment. _What the hell? Why do his eyes look so sad?_ "Merlin, is there something wrong?"

Merlin's smile seemed to tighten. "Of course not Arthur, what could be wrong?"

"_Mer_lin, if your face gets any more tense, it's going to crack!" Arthur scowled to mask his worry.

The manservant's face fell as he looked to the ground, taking a few deep breaths. Arthur stared, waiting. After a few moments, Merlin looked up, his face back to it's normal goofy grin. "I guess I'm just tired." Merlin let out a weak laugh.

Arthur narrowed his eyes. "If something was wrong, you would tell me, right?"

"What could I possibly have to hide?" Merlin laughed uneasily.

Arthur seemed to let it slide. "Right, well, ready my horse. I'm going out for a ride. And be sure to properly muck out the stables _Mer_lin."

Merlin rolled his eyes, "Yes _Sire"_

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Merlin slung the blanket and saddle onto Arthur's horse, grumbling to himself. A small frown marring his face.

"I hate seeing you frown Merlin." A cocky, but friendly, voice rang through the stables.

"Well it's kinda hard to smile while doing the prince's dirty work Gwaine." Merlin half chuckled.

Gwaine smirked, "I suppose so. Need any help?"

Merlin shook his head, "No, I just have to muck the stables and clean his filthy room. Nothing I can't handle."

"Well let me know if you change your mind." Gwaine leaned up against the wall. "So what are you going to do after you finish the princess's chores?"

"Probably just go back and relax in my room. Why?" Merlin eyed Gwaine, a soft smile playing on his lips.

"Well I was thinking of heading to the tavern later tonight, and was wondering if you wanted to join me. We haven't had much time ever since I was made a knight." Gwaine pulled a small pout.

Merlin just laughed lightly. "You know, that actually sounds fun. I should be out relatively early tonight, so that shouldn't be a problem."

Gwaine's eyes lit up, "Well then it is settled. Shall I fetch you after dinner then?"

"Sounds like a plan, I'll see you tonight Gwaine." Merlin replied as he led Arthur's horse out.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Merlin looked around the now clean room. _Floors clean? check. Bath drawn? check. Bedclothes laid out? check. Dinner served? check. _Everything seemed to be in order as Arthur came back from his late afternoon ride.

"Your bath is drawn sire, and dinner is on the table. I shall be back to fetch the dishes in the morning. Have a good night." Merlin started towards the door, hoping to leave early before Arthur realized what was happening.

"Wait a moment _Mer_lin. Where do you think you are going?" Arthur smirked and crossed his arms. "Off to study again?"

Merlin's eyes lit at the easy excuse. "Yes, that's exactly it. Everything is set for you, so I thought I would get some studying in."

Arthur studied Merlin's face for a moment. "Well that is an obvious lie. So why don't you tell me what you're really off to do?"

Merlin's face fell. "I...I just...uh"

"Merlin, are you ready?" Gwaine popped his head into Arthur's room. "Oh.."

Arthur's eyes flitted from Merlin to Gwaine and back. "I see." Arthur spun on his heel and headed towards his bath. "Have fun I suppose, Merlin."

Merlin's eyes tracked the man as he moved across the room. "Thanks Arthur." he called quietly as he fallowed Gwaine out.

Arthur stripped his clothes off slowly and slipped in the warm bath. _It's always amazing that Merlin is able to make this bath warm no matter how long it sits here. _The prince sunk into the warm water more, resting his head back and closing his eyes. _Even so, I wish he was still here..._

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Merlin and Gwaine walked down to the tavern, making a quiet entrance and finding a small table near the back corner. Gwaine bought them both a couple of pints and they sat quietly, watching the drunken fools around them. Merlin downed his drink and simply stared at his glass.

Gwaine watched the other man curiously. "Is something wrong Merlin? You don't seem yourself."

Merlin sighed heavily. "I don't even know anymore." Gwaine looked confused. "The longer I stay here in Camelot, the more difficult everything seems to become. I can't keep this up Gwaine."

"What the hell are you talking about Merlin?" Gwaine reached across the table to rest his hand on Merlin's arm. "What can't you keep up?"

Merlin looked up at the suave man, and Gwaine had to bite back a gasp at the loneliness evident in the man's eyes. "I just wish Lance was back, you know?"

Gwaine huffed. "Merlin, you know you can talk to _me_, right?"

"Not like I could speak with Lance." Merlin sighed. "There were things that he knew about me that I never had to voice. Things too scary to voice."

"Like what?" Gwaine felt ruffled and jealous. "You know that I am loyal to you right? You can tell me anything, I would never betray you. Hell, the only reason I'm even in Camelot is because of you."

Merlin looked at Gwaine with soft surprise in his eyes. "And what of Arthur?" he whispered.

Gwaine reached a hand out to gently grab Merlin's chin, forcing the other man to look him in the eye. "I trust him because _you_ trust him Merlin. But if anything were to ever come between you two, I will _always _be on your side.

Merlin sighed softly, pulling his chin from Gwaine's grip. "I understand Gwaine, but things aren't as simple as you'd like to think."

Gwaine pouted a bit, but knew when to stop. He didn't want to push his friend too hard, but he would get to the bottom of this. "How about another drink?"

Merlin shook his head. "No, thanks though. And thanks for inviting me out tonight. Sorry I was such a downer." Merlin stood slowly, pushing the chair back under the table.

Gwaine stood, moving over to Merlin. "Any time I spend with you is a good time. Don't worry Merlin. And remember, if you ever want to talk about anything, I'm here." Gwaine reached out to hug the other man.

Merlin leaned into the embrace gently, before using all his energy to pull away. The warmth and joy he felt from that simple touch was almost too much to let go of. "Goodnight Gwaine. And thanks." Merlin sent the older man a small sweet smile before leaving the tavern. _I really do wish I could tell you everything..._

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Merlin sat on the ledge of his favorite tower. The darkness masking him from anyone that would bother to look up. The young warlock sighed softly as he pulled a small knife from his satchel. He turned the blade slowly in his hands. "What the hell am I doing?" he wondered aloud. "Mom...Will...I miss home..."

Closing his eyes, Merlin pulled his jacket down on one side to expose his shoulder. The man clenched his jaw as he cut deeply into his skin, letting the endorphins lull him into exquisite numbness.

He scooted back to lean against the wall and let his head fall to one side.

All too soon, the numbness started to wear off, and the chill of the night returned. The hurt of having to hide his true self away from everyone he cared about cut him more painfully than his knife ever could.

A soft sob of loneliness escaped him as he lifted the knife, with shaking hand, back to his shoulder; digging even deeper. He could feel the warm blood rolling down his skin and onto his jacket. "Shit." he swore softly, taking the jacket off completely.

Cutting once more, Merlin let the swirling fuzziness take him.

**Thanks for reading, let's just hope it doesn't take another two years to get the next chapter.**

**Also, sorry for any mistakes. I am currently without beta...**

**Later everyone!**


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